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Almost Everyone Believed It
by Tom Konrad, Ph.D., CFA
|Press Secretary Sean Spicer
reveals the joke.
This morning, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer began
an epic five-hour press conference with a one-word statement from
President Donald Trump: “Bazinga!”
Spicer then launched into a detailed explanation of how the
President (with help from many Republicans and conservative
think-and-humor-tanks) had convinced the nation and the world how
he did not believe in climate change. In fact, efforts to
roll back EPA regulations like the Clean Power Plan, CAFE gas
mileage standards, and the Paris Agreement were all “fake news.”
Over the course of the diatribe, Spicer became increasingly
animated, gloating at the number of impossible, if not downright
insane political stances and opinions he had persuaded the press
to swallow hook, line and sinker.
“In addition to a great sense of humor, President Trump is widely
acknowledged to have a great mind. In fact, many people have said
that he is the greatest intellect to ever occupy the White
House. His ability to get you morons to buy his the
anti-science conspiracy theory rhetoric would leave you all in awe
if you only had the brains to appreciate it!”
Asked about the appointment of Scott Pruitt to head the
Environmental Protection Agency, which he had made a career of
suing as Oklahoma’s attorney general, Spicer smirked and said that
Secretary Pruitt had been in on the joke from the beginning, and
his legal actions were all part of the prank. Likewise,
Donald Trump’s recent executive orders reversing the Obama
administration’s actions would all be found to have the word
“NOT!” written in an organic, citrus-based invisible ink developed
by the CIA.
The hidden word could be revealed by gently exposing the paper to
heat from one of the old style wasteful incandescent light bulbs
or a hair dryer.
Spicer concluded the briefing by saying the nation should stay
tuned for an as-yet unidentified but “very big-league” solution to
climate change, which President Trump would implement over the
course of the following week. The administration would also
be applying to the Guinness organization for recognition of the
best April Fools’ prank ever.
Environmentalists Not Amused
Refusing to see the humor, Sierra Club executive director
Michael Brune said in a statement, “The climate crisis is an
extremely serious issue for all Americans in both red and blue
states. There is no time for joking around when we should be
using clean energy technology to create jobs while safeguarding our
air and water.”
World Resources Institute president Andrew Steer said the Trump
administration’s joke was “like a fraternity prank that had gotten
out of hand.” Despite his reservations about the humor, he admitted
that he was excited that the President had turned his prodigious
intellect to the problem of climate change, and that there would
soon be no need for environmentalists.
Steer said he looked forward to closing WRI and finding more
productive work. He said he was particularly interested in the
many high paying jobs picking California produce now that such jobs
would no longer be monopolized by illegal immigrants.
Asking not to be identified, another prominent environmentalist said
he could see the humor in Trump’s jokes about women’s bodies,
blacks, Mexicans, and queers, but joking about climate change “has
the potential to hurt rich, white, straight men.” He said some
things are just not to be joked about.
UPDATE: President Trump replied to the last quote via Twitter.
He tweeted, “No one cares more about rich, white, straight man than
I do!” We assume he was serious.
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